The Extremely Angsty Journal of Young Severus
by Ghilanna Faen Tlabbar
Summary: Snape's Worst Memory, from the point of view of young Severus Snape himself. Lots of language, and some questionable references. SeverusxLily, but onesided on the part of Severus. OneShot.


A/N: Characters copyright of JK Rowling, All Rights Reserved, blah blah blah. Yeah. You've heard it all before. Or have you?

Anyway, this is darker than most of my stories, and written with the help of a friend. There is major language and some sexual references…so yeah. Be cautious.

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5 June 1974

It sucks to be me, or so the song goes. Does being a Snape automatically attract the attention of every bully in a ten-kilometer radius? It must. Honestly, Potter and his supercilious posse of empty-headed Quidditch bastards add a bucket load of arrogance to their (already flooded) egos every day. But he'll be sorry. Oh, when it's legal to do magic outside of school, I'll take personal pleasure in making sure he's kept in St. Mungo's for a year! That would be the absolute best moment of my life. Unlike today. Today was most definitely the worst day of my short-lived, incredibly distressing life. No, it wasn't just Potter harassing me, it was-well, perhaps I should start at the beginning.

The "Defense Against The Dark Arts" written O.W.L had just been collected, and I meandered outside. I'd always thought that DADA was useless. It's all petty little hexes and stupid countercurses, not to mention instructions on how to repel creatures that can be incredibly useful if trained correctly. Of course, you never learn how to domesticate them in Care of Magical Creatures because they're _so_ evil…but I'm getting off topic.

Anyway, I aced the exam (as I knew I would) because I (unlike Potter) actually studied for more than three minutes before the exam started. I know that Potter didn't because he was looking off of my answer sheet! He tried at least five times, giving me glares, threatening gestures, and mouthing obscene things to me. After I turned my paper in, he gave me the most malevolent glare, and proceeded to turn and look off of Ramset Owens's paper. It won't do him much good. I know for a fact dear, _dear_ Potter, that you will be failing questions 15b-27 and only getting half-credit on eleven, twenty-eight and thirty! For Ramset was never known as an exceptionally intellectual Hufflepuff… and I'm getting off topic again. I seem to be doing that a lot. But humiliating Potter, even if he'll never know it, will have a certain tang to it after today.

I was reading over a copy of the examination paper as I strolled over to a clump of bushes that smelled faintly of pinesap. Pine sap, incidentally, is one of the smells guaranteed to make me feel nauseous, ever since Black managed to slip it into my goblet of pumpkin juice on Halloween. Not as nasty as a potion of course, but still horribly nasty and sticky. To put it gently, it's also virtually impossible to digest. I was in the infirmary for a full two days before the terrible abdominal aches ceased.

The smell finally overpowered me, and I couldn't read the paper anymore, as I was beginning to gag. The copy was duly placed in a pocket of my haversack, and I got up to leave.

"All right, Snivellus?" A familiar obnoxious voice forced its way into my ears.

_Damn…not now…not with all those girls watching! I won't let him!_

I jerked around to face Potter, arrogance personified. The very sight of him infuriated me. "Perfect" build, "tastefully ruffled" hair…it all went to show that his only aim in life was to be noticed. If he wanted to take center stage, I'd be happy to give him that role. My hand entered my robes, but he was annoying first. As always.

"Expelliarmus!"

My traitorous wand shot out of my hand like a stone from a sling, to land some ten feet away. Damn James.

"Impedimenta!"

I flew through the air as the jinx took its toll and felt the air rush out of my lungs. I couldn't breath. _Crap. This is bad. This is really, really bad._ I saw Potter and Black (Blood traitors that they are) come toward me with expressions of contempt on their perfectly popular visages. Even Pettigrew started edging his way around the werewolf to get a better look at the upcoming torture.

"How'd the exam go Snivelly?"

I _hated_ it when they called me that. I hated _everything _that they called me.

"I was watching him; his nose was touching the parchment. There'll be grease marks all over it; they won't be able to read a word."

_I have to get away. I have to get out of here before it's too late. I hate him. I hate Potter. What did I ever do to deserve this? What have I done to deserve any of this? Has someone carried out unspeakable crimes in my name? If so, I will find you and kill you._

"You wait-"I said, gasping for air. "You wait-"

"Wait for what? You to wipe your nose on us Snivelly?

The crowd of people laughed appreciatively at the crude joke. It had grown larger, now including little first years who gave me the same disgusted glances as my own dorm mates. And… _Oh, Shit. She's coming. I don't want her to see me like this. The rest of the world, fine, but I can't be seen by her like this. I just can't. Please._

I started muttering curses under my breath, hoping beyond hope that my wand could "sense' that I needed it more now than ever. It didn't.

"…Shit"

_Crap. I just said that out loud. This is not going to finish this any quicker._

"Wash out your mouth….Scourgify!"

My mouth filled with Strawberry flavored soap. I think I detected a faint taste of pine in there too. _I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I hate Strawberries. And pine. Goddamnit. This day isn't going to end well-_

"Leave him ALONE!"

That voice…oh my god, it was Lily. James and I both heard her at the same time. Through my tortured spasms and the repulsively pink bubbles, I was able to make out her truly marvelous form. Locks of red hair that seemed to catch the sunset and hold it in a fiery grasp were flowing free around narrow shoulders, framing her elegant oval countenance as perfectly as a frame. Expressive emerald eyes were filled with moral fury. If my mouth hadn't been so full of that revolting soap, I would have caught my breath at the way she ran at James; like a beautiful deer. An angry beautiful deer.

James had also apparently noticed the charms of her running form, and he immediately struck what I shall call his 'model pose'. This consisted of running his free hand through his hair, and placing his balance on his left leg, so as to show off HIS form. I found it rather disturbing and hysterically comical at the same time.

"All right, Evans?" He asked, trying his best to be seductive. It failed.

"Leave him alone." She repeated. "What's he ever done to you?"

_My god, Lily Evans actually pities me. This is a first._

The rest of the conversation was a blur to me, but I remember something about Lily saying she'd rather go out with the giant squid than with James, and calling him an arrogant bullying toerag. I smiled involuntary as I inched toward my wand, intent on casting _Sectumsempra._ It wouldn't have the full effect, as I was still weak from James's hex, but I'd be able to inflict sufficient damage to get my point across.

"_OY!"_

The "pretty boy" had seen me. But he was too late to stop anything. I used _sectumsempra_ nonverbally, aiming towards his big, fat, over inflated head. The blood rushed out of the wound and trickled down his robes.

"_Levicorpus!"_

I must have flown at least fifty feet up in the air._ Shit, shit, shit. He knows I hate heights._ James has known I have hated heights since we learned to fly in our First year. I had a brief recollection of being on a bucking broomstick while another boy was surrounded by three others and directing the pattern of the broom. He was using the same technique now. I flipped over, revealing to the world my.. underwear. _And Lily was there_. I felt the blood rush to my head, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't only from the entire 'Being Upside Down' thing.

The Crowd roared. Apparently seeing a poor kid's underwear was some form of entertainment for them. _Bloody perverts, the lot of them._

"Let him down!"

I couldn't believe my rotten luck. Lily was still there, sticking up for me. A girl, sticking up for me. How terribly taboo.

"Certainly," was all Potter said, and I crumpled in a heap. I began to fight to free myself from my robes, but that bloody son-of-a-bitch Sirius barked "Locomotor mortis!" I fell over again. _He is going to pay for this, big time…_

Suddenly, I felt myself able to stand, and I was staring Lily right in the face. I'm at least three inches taller than she is, and if I'd been in Potter's mentality, I'd have stood on my toes to see..well…yeah. Either way, a tantalizing shadow caught my eye, and I turned red. Very, very red.

_God, I want her…_

"There you go." James grumbled. "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus-"

Something inside me snapped. Why in the world was I so infatuated with Lily Evans? She was a mudblood, with no parentage to be proud of. I came from a pureblood family on my mother's side. My father is a shadow to me, no use talking about. I didn't need her to defend me! All this took less than a second to decide.

"I don't need help from filthy little mudbloods like her!"

Lily blinked in surprise, and I suddenly regretted my words. She had done all she could do defend me; the most popular fifth-year at Hogwarts had come to the aid of an oddball, and said oddball had turned on her. A shadow passed through those glittering green eyes, and her demeanor changed to a cold, haughty front.

"Fine." She snapped. "I won't bother in the future. And I'd watch your pants if I were you, _Snivellus._"

The rest of it is not worth writing about. It was a generic argument about parentage, about how I am _so_ rude, and how I don't deserve to breathe.

I wish I could take back what I said about her. Even if she is a Mudblood, she doesn't deserve to be called that._ Anyone that gorgeous and lovely shouldn't be called anything like that. I don't deserve her. Lily deserves a Knight in Armor who will carry her away on a white horse and sing love ballads to her accompanied by acoustic guitar. Lily deserves a Prince Charming who can give her ball gowns and tiaras… What the hell am I thinking? Lily, A princess? God, the traumas of today have affected me more than usual._

After the tortures were over, I went to my dorm in the Slytherin dungeons without delay, and threw myself face down on my bed. The shadow that had passed through Lily's eyes as I had suddenly betrayed her was haunting me. I couldn't get it out of my mind. If I was suicidal, _I_ suppose I might have cast_ Avada Kedavara_ on myself. The world narrowed to remorse beyond tears. I have no record of how long I simply lay there, mentally thumping myself for my tactlessness. I had wanted Lily so badly, to win her affection, to make her love me…and now it was all dashed to pieces. My pride will never let me beg forgiveness, and I don't think she'd accept it either. _I really am no good. I'm a hopeless little brat. _Merde. I can't keep beating my self up about this though. It's bad enough as is.

Severus

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A/N: And there you have it, a lovely, angsty little Snape fic. If you must criticize, please do it so it will further our writing skills. The authors thank you. 


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